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| I've had a lot on my mind lately - here's tonight's thought...
I
do believe one day someone will get ahold of all my writings and will
find me to be a complete wack job. How else could they understand the
thoughts that go through my head? How else would they be able to grasp
why I think the things or the way I do? They would find me crazy. But I
can't say I really care. I think... that's all there is to it.
I
wonder if my life will have meant anything when I die. Some people want
to die young, others old; some want material success while others just
want to leave behind a legacy of some sort. But me? I just want to know
that in my life, I have helped someone think and contemplate that which
they do. That's all I want - just to know that somehow, some way I've
done something to make another think... really think and really try to
figure something out about themselves or their decisions. I'd be happy
knowing I did that (but if I'm dead, how would I know and why would it
matter?).
Sometimes I think we have this whole idea of heaven
twisted way too much. I think we've made it entirely too materialistic.
I wonder if people even know anymore about why they want to go to
heaven. Do they want to get there for personal gain or do they want to
spend all eternity with our Creator? To be honest, I don't think I'd be
happy if heaven really was streets of gold and huge mansions. Why
should that matter? I don't care for rewards for doing what God has
called me to do. He already died for me (through Jesus). How much more
can I ask for? How much more do I believe I deserve?
I know God
is all powerful. He knows the desires of our hearts. And hey, if you
desire a heaven where you live in this huge mansion and get to wear a
crown of jewels then Amen. But what if what you desire is so much
simpler than that? What if all you want is nice weather year round with
a pillow and blanket so you can hang out all day? What if your heaven
is a rock concert where you can mosh eternally or a jazz club where you
can relax to the smooth and soulful saxophone forever? What if that's
what you desire for always? Would God honor that?
And what if we
won't know anyway? What if we'll be so completely wrapped up in the
fact that we're going to live with God forever? What if the idea of
heaven won't matter because we won't notice anything except for God,
Jesus, and the Holy Spirit? Will we know heaven if we're captivated by
His Presence? What if the Bible's description of heaven is really just
describing God's presence and God Himself? What if how it's described
are the only terms that could've been used when the Bible was written
in an attempt to get people to understand as much as our feeble minds
would let them? Lets say that's the only way for it to have been
explained - what then?
I have an ideal heaven and it's made up
of nothing more than God, me, and some place to sit. My heaven would be
being able to talk to God for forever. I want to sit there and listen
to Him telling me everything about creation and the Bible. I want to
ask Him all the questions I have and be satisfied with His answers,
regardless of what they were. I want to be in His presence eternally.
That would be my ideal heaven - God, me, and His voice crashing over me
in waves as He tries to explain everything to me that my mind probably
won't be able to understand anyway.
Have we gotten to caught up
in this idea of heaven that we've forgotten that He created us to
worship Him? We're not going to be there for the mansions and the
streets of gold and sea of glass. We're going there to worship Him
because He is God and He is good. Lets forget about the rewards and
refocus our attention of loving Him and how awesome it will be to
finally be in His presence for eternity - to understand that He loves
us that much. Lets learn to worship and live for God not because of
what He may give us when we die but because of all He already has.
Lets
learn how to really mean it when we say "I love You" and "I'm nothing
if not for You". Somewhere along the lines we've gotten so caught up
with words and forgotten they mean some thing. We've forgotten how to be grateful in the midst of religion.
Somewhere here we've lost what it all means, what its all for. We've forgotten...
-Alexandria
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| Lamentations 3God Locked Me Up in Deep Darkness1-3 I'm the man who has seen trouble,
trouble coming from the lash of God's anger.
He took me by the hand and walked me
into pitch-black darkness.
Yes, he's given me the back of his hand
over and over and over again. 4-6 He turned me into a scarecrow
of skin and bones, then broke the bones.
He hemmed me in, ganged up on me,
poured on the trouble and hard times.
He locked me up in deep darkness,
like a corpse nailed inside a coffin. 7-9 He shuts me in so I'll never get out,
manacles my hands, shackles my feet.
Even when I cry out and plead for help,
he locks up my prayers and throws away the key.
He sets up blockades with quarried limestone.
He's got me cornered. 10-12 He's a prowling bear tracking me down,
a lion in hiding ready to pounce.
He knocked me from the path and ripped me to pieces.
When he finished, there was nothing left of me.
He took out his bow and arrows
and used me for target practice. 13-15 He shot me in the stomach
with arrows from his quiver.
Everyone took me for a joke,
made me the butt of their mocking ballads.
He forced rotten, stinking food down my throat,
bloated me with vile drinks. 16-18 He ground my face into the gravel.
He pounded me into the mud.
I gave up on life altogether.
I've forgotten what the good life is like.
I said to myself, "This is it. I'm finished.
God is a lost cause." It's a Good Thing to Hope for Help from God19-21 I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness,
the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed.
I remember it all—oh, how well I remember—
the feeling of hitting the bottom.
But there's one other thing I remember,
and remembering, I keep a grip on hope: 22-24 God's loyal love couldn't have run out,
his merciful love couldn't have dried up.
They're created new every morning.
How great your faithfulness!
I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).
He's all I've got left. 25-27 God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
to the woman who diligently seeks.
It's a good thing to quietly hope,
quietly hope for help from God.
It's a good thing when you're young
to stick it out through the hard times. 28-30 When life is heavy and hard to take,
go off by yourself. Enter the silence.
Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions:
Wait for hope to appear.
Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face.
The "worst" is never the worst. 31-33 Why? Because the Master won't ever
walk out and fail to return.
If he works severely, he also works tenderly.
His stockpiles of loyal love are immense...
God Speaks Both Good Things and Hard Things into Being37-39 Who do you think "spoke and it happened"?
It's the Master who gives such orders.
Doesn't the High God speak everything,
good things and hard things alike, into being?
And why would anyone gifted with life
complain when punished for sin? 40-42 Let's take a good look at the way we're living
and reorder our lives under God.
Let's lift our hearts and hands at one and the same time,
praying to God in heaven:
"We've been contrary and willful,
and you haven't forgiven. 43-45 "You lost your temper with us, holding nothing back.
You chased us and cut us down without mercy.
You wrapped yourself in thick blankets of clouds
so no prayers could get through.
You treated us like dirty dishwater,
threw us out in the backyard of the nations. 46-48 "Our enemies shout abuse,
their mouths full of derision, spitting invective.
We've been to hell and back.
We've nowhere to turn, nowhere to go.
Rivers of tears pour from my eyes
at the smashup of my dear people.
49-51 "The tears stream from my eyes,
an artesian well of tears,
Until you, God, look down from on high,
look and see my tears.
When I see what's happened to the young women in the city,
the pain breaks my heart. 52-54 "Enemies with no reason to be enemies
hunted me down like a bird.
They threw me into a pit,
then pelted me with stones.
Then the rains came and filled the pit.
The water rose over my head. I said, 'It's all over.'
55-57 "I called out your name, O God,
called from the bottom of the pit.
You listened when I called out, 'Don't shut your ears!
Get me out of here! Save me!'
You came close when I called out.
You said, 'It's going to be all right.'
I trust You Daddy. I trust You and what You've said. Thank You for listening to my cries and for letting me know it's going to be all right, even if it doesn't seem like it right now. I'm trusting You for it all. Amen.
Love,
Alexandria
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| So I'm back from an amazing weekend with the boyfriend and his folks + family friend. It went really well [like usual, I freak out about things that really shouldn't be freaked out about].
I'm glad to be back however because I thoroughly missed my roommate and the rest of the EC kiddos. Yay for blessings disguised as friends =].
Sierra and I were down in the max and I went off talking for I don't even know how long about all these thoughts that go through my head on a daily basis about God. I wish I could write down everything that was said, all the things I stay quiet about but meditate on instead. Sometimes it feels like I'm going crazy [in a good way]. It makes me realize all the more how I could never even start to fathom how God deals with it all like He does. It's mindblowing. Maybe one day I'll just take an entry to do the same thing Sierra was listening to me do today. [Dear Jesus, thank You for a roommate that listens even when things I say don't make any sense. Bless her for putting up with me and the randomness of my brain that most people can't stand =)]
All I know is that I am no one to expect God to live up to my standards. All I can do is admit that I'm nothing because everything I "am" is from Him. The only thing I can offer Him is the fact that I'm nothing unless He chooses to use me for whatever purpose He has... and because of that, I'm humbled...
I have to go to bed now because I have a million things to do in the morning and I'm exhausted. Goooooodnight =]
Love,
Minnellis
Dear Dad,
Thank You because I no longer need or seek answers to the millions of thoughts running through my head. Thank You for being so amazing, so faithful, so perfect [moreso than I could ever comprehend]. Above all? Thank You for seeing me as worthy even if I'm not.
I love You.
Love,
Alexandria
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| Tonight was amazing to say the least. I've realized that whenever God is doing something big in my life, I tend to be really introverted. But it works because God is awesome so... yeah! =]
For a while I've really felt that I needed to get re-baptized... actually, more like baptized for real the first time around. God had really put that on my heart for a few months now, but I had to be sure that's what He wanted for me. This semester I've been closer to Him than ever before and I finally felt that it was time - I just needed Him to tell me when. So I was praying two nights ago, and He told me that today, Valentine's Day, would be it. New relationship with God + Valentine's Day = makes sense. I talked to the most amazing person ever to be RA (that would be Brittani) and asked her about it. She was game so yup, we decided after curfew we would do it up. Stephanie and Ashlyn (from down the hall) decided to get baptized too.
After the whole baptizing-water-leaking-into-Ayla's-room fiasco, Brittani came to say goodnight. Sierra and I had asked her earlier to help us pray about our spiritual names and she said she was up for it and asked us when we wanted to do it. We told her whenever worked for her but in my heart, I knew it should be tonight. Sooo Caitie, Ayla, Kara, Stephanie, Ashlyn, Brittani, Sierra, and myself went into Ashlyn/Stephanie's room for a prayer/fellowship kind of thing. They talked about their week[end] and about what trials had been coming up. Then they started praying for the spiritual names thing. Brittani saw a blooming flower (a rose) and saw the center of the rose (the part that hadn't bloomed yet) as a representation of the fact that I'm really close to God. The blooming of the flower was representative that I was reaching out to people and affecting them (or something along those lines) through/by my relationship with God. Stephanie was in agreement with her about that and I thought it was pretty amazing considering the fact that roses are my favorite flowers (white roses to be specific). I think it was Ashlyn who said that she kept seeing "worthy" and throughout this time, I kept seeing "saved" and Ayla saw "redeemed". Brittani saw "hope" too but wasn't sure if that was to be my spiritual name or not.
After waiting for a bit and praying or what not, Brittani asked me what I wanted to do and I told her to go ahead and pray for Sierra because I wasn't getting anything on what my spiritual name was (although thinking back on it, I did get it then but I was doubting it because hey! That's Minnellis for you). She started praying for Sierra and try as I could, I couldn't concentrate on praying for Sierra's spiritual name because all I kept thinking was "Alexandria". Every time I tried praying for Sierra, it would keep popping into my head. And I kept asking Dad to just let me focus on Sierra and praying for her instead of being so selfish (by continually thinking Alexandria). After praying about her spiritual name, Kara told Sierra that she saw Rebekah. The mindblowing thing about that? That was Sierra's confirmation name. I'm pretty sure someone else said they saw the same thing but neither Sierra or I can remember who.
Throughout this whole time, "Alexandria" keeps going through my mind so I told the group. I explained how I couldn't even focus on praying for Sierra because that name wouldn't get out of my head. Brittani looked up the meaning of it and it goes back to Alexander which means "defender of men". I didn't really get it at first, but I knew it made sense. It tied into what the girls all felt (about hope, being saved/worthy/redeemed) and it felt right but I still wasn't 100% sure because I didn't want it to just be me thinking it up.
We came back into our room and Sierra and I both started looking on babynames.com for meanings of names. That's when it hit me - ever since I can remember, I've always been the person to stick up for the people no one else liked. I've always stood up for the people no one would care to get to know, the "outcasts". I always felt like I needed to defend them when they couldn't defend themselves. Even funnier? I wanted to be a lawyer for a while for civil rights - to defend and give rights to those who didn't have them. But what's always been my passion? Africa. I've always felt called to go there for missionary work - to defend those who don't have a way to defend themselves. It fits. Alexandria = defender of men = me. It makes sense. Not only that, but for some reason, I've always liked the name Alexandria. When I was around 11 or 12 I would think about how I wanted to name my daughter that but didn't know why. I hadn't thought of that name for a while and here I am now with it being my spiritual name. It makes so much sense it kind of blows me away. But I'm at peace with it.
God is so good to me, to ALL of us. It blows me away thinking He loves anyone as much as He does. I know it's only going to get harder from here on out, especially with the fact that I just got re-baptized and now have a special gift directly for me from Him but it's all such a beautiful thing. =]
I want to thank Grace for letting herself be used by God even with how she's been feeling about herself. God uses only those He knows are worthy, regardless of what we think...
And a special thank you to Joy, Sarah, Zoe, Ashlyn, Purity, and Rebekah for praying for me and being in agreement. You girls are amazing and I'm looking forward to the days to come, the journey ahead of us all.
With that, I'm going to bed. Goodnight kiddos!
Love,
Alexandria
"I'm setting you up as a light for the nations
so that My salvation becomes global."
Isaiah 49:6
Amen, Daddy. Your will be done. I love You.
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| Dear Imari,
It's almost been 12 years (February 5th mijita). And that song gets me every time. Why does it still get to me like this? I miss you... nothing's been the same since you left.
I still wonder sometimes why it had to be you and why it couldn't be me... and sometimes I have to stop myself from wishing that I could suffer like you did just so I could understand what you went through. I know God's got a reason for everything and I'm looking forward to the day when I can ask Him.
But it still hurts. And I still miss you.
...For the two of us, always...
Love you,
Nellis
Dear Dad,
You and only You know why. It still hurts but I'm okay. I know through You I'll see her [[and everyone else I have waiting up there for me]]. Just make this year easier please? Thanks. Love you Daddy.
-Your Daughter
Tio Andres, Tio Danny, Dinelia, Alex, Joey, Kevin, Sean, Maria, Kendall, Louise, Raymond, Mr. K ... Til He says it's time, I know you're all looking down on me. Keep my seat warm up there ;]
Lord I am not perfect by a long shot I confess to You daily
But I work hard everyday and I hope that You hear me
In my heart I mean well but if You help me grow
Then what I have in my heart will begin to show
And when I get going I'm not looking back for nothing
Cause I would know where I am headed I'm so tired of suffering
I stand before You a weakened version of Your reflection
Begging for direction for my soul needs resurrection
I don't deserve what You give me but You never took it from me
Because I am grateful and I use it and I do not worship money
And if all You want for me is to bring Your children to You
My regret is only having one life to do it instead of two
Amen
-DMX
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